The holidays can be a fun-filled time full of traditions honored and memories made. It can also be a time when you dread sitting down to a meal with a certain family member, walk on eggshells around relatives you only see once a year or grieve the loss of a loved one even more than usual.
If you find yourself feeling this way, before things get heated during the height of the holiday season, take a minute to read these tactics to avoid or cope with interpersonal conflicts.
If you find yourself feeling exceedingly anxious, hopeless or simply like you don’t know how to move forward, never hesitate to contact 988, the National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, at any time of the day or night. You can also call for mobile crisis services at 844-428-3878 for in-person, confidential help from a team of mental health professionals.
How common are conflicts with friends and family around the holidays?
About 89% of American adults said that the holiday season creates stress, according to the American Psychological Association’s poll. Of those respondents, 22% said their stress comes from experiencing or anticipating family conflict.
So what can you do to avoid conflict, de-escalate it if it does arise, or take yourself out of scenarios that don’t feel happy and healthy?
Set boundaries
Setting boundaries can feel impossible and as if there are always reasons why it won’t work. It can be easy to fall back on sentiments like “this is the way it’s always been.” Start by prioritizing your nonnegotiables about the way you want to be treated and how you want to treat others. Pick one or two to start with.
The key: You have to make your boundaries known in order for friends and family to know you want them to uphold the boundary. It’s also important to note that if you’re looking to set boundaries for the first time, friends and family will likely push back, simply because the boundaries previously didn’t exist.
Example: You could say, “Mom and Dad, I’m not interested in talking about my work or my relationships when I visit for the holidays. It doesn’t feel safe or worthwhile because we always end up arguing in a hurtful way. If it comes up, I’m going to change the topic, and we can talk about hobbies. I appreciate you understanding that this is a firm boundary I’m setting.”
Agree to disagree
We don’t all share the same views, and that’s OK! Different perspectives are important to widening our understanding of the world, finding new ways of approaching challenges or topics, and challenging or reaffirming our beliefs. However, not everyone can talk about their differing opinions with civility and respect. Agreeing to disagree is the best way to prevent a conflict from arising. Here’s how you can approach this conversation.
Example: “Friends, while we’re catching up this holiday season, I’d be happy to talk about our political views if we can do it with respect and understand that we’ll simply agree to disagree. If we can’t do that with kindness, let’s talk about other things. Our friendship means too much to me to risk it, and we have a lot of other topics to chat about.”
Compromise
We can all give a little to get a little. Remember that while the holidays can be stressful, they can also hold some of the most special moments and traditions with loved ones that you experience all year. That’s why compromise can help you keep boundaries while showing family and friends that you still care about their needs.
Example: “I’m feeling really stretched thin and want to spend a little more time at home this holiday season to recharge in my own space, but I’d like to stay with you to visit these days for these events still. What do you think?”
Avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms
In the American Psychological Association poll, about 2 in 5 adults who experience stress during the holiday season said they fall into using negative coping mechanisms, like isolating themselves (21%), changing their eating habits by overeating or restricting their diets (16%), or relying on substances, like alcohol or nicotine, to feel better (13%). Come up with a plan ahead of time to avoid triggering your known unhealthy coping mechanisms and identify some healthy ways to de-escalate by doing deep breathing exercises, taking a walk or going for a drive, doing yoga, or finding other ways to recenter. Finding an accountability buddy is even better.
Example: “Family, I get pretty overwhelmed in large, loud crowds. I’m also trying to stay sober. If there is a lot of drinking and visitors get loud — even if they’re just having fun — I might go take a break in a quiet room or go for a walk for a while. I’d love it if one person could join me to make sure I’m not tempted to drink or smoke while I cool off.”
Use your resources
Most importantly, you are not alone! There are many professional experts and people who love you who can help. Consider these resources if you find yourself in a heated conflict, feel anxious or overwhelmed, or simply don’t know how to move forward.
- Heart of Iowa Community Services:
- Mobile crisis services: A team of professionals will visit you in a discreet, unmarked car within an hour to wherever you are to help you in the moment and connect you to longer-term resources. Call 844-428-3878 if you’re having a crisis or simply don’t know how to move forward.
- Longer-term support: Whether you’re wanting transitional housing to help stay sober, mental health services to address longer-term concerns or have any other needs, our service coordination connects you to support close to home. Reach out at org.
- The National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call, text or chat 988 at any time of the day or night if you’re having thoughts of suicide or simply need someone to talk to.
- Alcoholics Anonymous: Alcoholics Anonymous is a national resource that hosts meetings in Iowa and connects individuals to sobriety partners. Find meetings in Iowa here.
- Narcotics Anonymous: Similar to Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous can help those struggling with using substances, like prescription or illegal drugs. Find meetings in Iowa here.